Updated: Oct 25, 2019
A mathematical joke is a form of humor which relies on aspects of mathematics or a stereotype of mathematicians to derive humor. The humor may come from a pun, or from a double meaning of a mathematical term, or from a lay person's misunderstanding of a mathematical concept.
Instead of good-bye we say Calc-U-later
Why should you not mix alcohol and calculus? Because you should never drink and derive.
Write the expression for the volume of a thick crust pizza with height "a" and radius "z". The formula for volume is π·(radius)**2·(height). In this case, pi·z·z·a.
How do you make seven even? Just remove the “s.”
Q: What is a proof?
A: One-half percent of alcohol.
Q: What is gray and huge and has integer coefficients?
A: An elephantine equation.
Q: Why do truncated Maclaurin series fit the original function so well?
A: Because they are “Taylor” made.
Q: What is gray and huge and has integer coefficients?
A: An elephantine equation.
Q: What’s a polar bear?
A: A rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.
Q: What do you get if you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?
A: You can’t cross a vector with a scalar.
Proof. Suppose a + b = c
This can also be written as: 4a − 3a + 4b − 3b = 4c − 3c
After reorganizing: 4a + 4b − 4c = 3a + 3b − 3c
Take the constants out of the brackets: 4(a + b − c) = 3(a + b − c)
Remove the same term left and right:
A mathematician and an engineer are on a desert island. They find two palm trees with one coconut each. The engineer shinnies up one tree, gets the coconut, and eats it. The mathematician shinnies up the other tree, gets the coconut, climbs the other tree and puts it there. “Now we’ve reduced it to a problem we know how to solve.”
There are a mathematician and a physicist and a burning building with people inside. There are a fire hydrant and a hose on the sidewalk. The physicist has to put the fire out…so, he attaches the hose to the hydrant, puts the fire out, and saves the house and the family. Then they put the people back in the house, set it on fire, and ask the mathematician to solve the problem. So, he takes the hose off the hydrant and lays it on the sidewalk. “Now I’ve reduced it to a previously solved problem” and walks away.
Three men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, “I’ve got an idea. We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices far.” So he leans over the basket and yells out, “Helloooooo! Where are we?” (They hear the echo several times.) Fifteen minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: “Hellooooo! You’re lost!!” One of the men says, “That must have been a mathematician.” Puzzled, one of the other men asks, “Why do you say that?” The reply: “For three reasons: (1) He took a long time to answer, (2) he was absolutely correct, and (3) his answer was absolutely useless.”
Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, "I'll have a beer." The second says, "I'll have half a beer." The third says, "I'll have a quarter of a beer." Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. "Come on, now,” he says to the group, “You guys have got to learn your limits.”
Scientists caught a physicist and a mathematician and locked them in separate rooms so both could not interact with each other. They started studying their behavior. The two were assigned a task to remove a hammered nail from inside the wall. The only tools they had were a hammer and a nail-drawer. After some muscular effort, both solved the tasks similarly by using the nail-drawer. Then there was a second task, to remove the nail that was barely touching the wall with its sharp end. The physicist simply took the nail with his hand. The mathematician hammered the nail inside the wall with full force and proudly announced: the problem has been reduced to the previous one!
A mathematician organizes a raffle in which the prize is an infinite amount of money paid over an infinite amount of time. Of course, with the promise of such a prize, his tickets sell like hot cake.
When the winning ticket is drawn, and the jubilant winner comes to claim his prize, the mathematician explains the mode of payment:
"1 dollar now, 1/2 dollar next week, 1/3 dollar the week after that..."
Sherlock Holmes and Watson travel on a balloon. They were hidden in clouds, so they didn’t know which country they flew above. Finally they saw a guy below between clouds, so they asked.
“Hey, you know where we are?” “Yes” “Where?” “In a balloon”.
And the guy was hidden by clouds again.
Watson:”Goddamn, what a stupid idiot!”
Holmes:”No my friend, he’s a mathematician”.
Watson:”How can you know that, Holmes?”
Holmes:”Elementary, my dear Watson. He responded with an absolutely correct and absolutely useless answer”.
My girlfriend is the square root of -100. She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
How do mathematicians scold their children? "If I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
What’s the best way to woo a math teacher? Use acute angle.
What do you call a number that can't keep still? A roamin' numeral.
Take a positive integer N. No wait, N is too big; take a positive integer k.
A farmer counted 196 cows in the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200.
Why should you never argue with decimals? Because decimals always have a point.
When someone once asked Professor Eilenberg if he could eat Chinese food with three chopsticks, he answered, "Of course," according to Professor Morgan.
How are you going to do it?
I'll take the three chopsticks, I'll put one of them aside on the table, and I'll use the other two.
A statistics professor is going through security at the airport when they discover a bomb in his carry-on. The TSA officer is livid. "I don't understand why you'd want to kill so many innocent people!" The professor laughs and explains that he never wanted to blow up the plane; in fact, he was trying to save them all. "So then why did you bring a bomb?!" The professor explains that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000, which is quite high if you think about it, and statistically relevant enough to prevent him from being able to fly stress-free. "So what does that have to do with you packing a bomb?" the TSA officer wants to know, so the professor explains. "You see, if there's 1/1000 probability of a bomb being on my plane, the chance that there are two bombs is 1/1000000. So if I bring a bomb, the chance there is another bomb is only 1/1000000, so we are all much safer."
The great probabilist Mark Kac (1914-1984) once gave a lecture at Caltech, with Feynman in the audience.
When Kac finished, Feynman stood up and loudly proclaimed, "If all mathematics disappeared, it would set physics back precisely one week."
To that outrageous comment, Kac shot back with that yes, he knew of that week; it was "Precisely the week in which God created the world."
An experimental physicist meets a mathematician in a bar and they start talking. The physicict asks, "What kind of math do you do?" to which the mathematician replies, "Knot theory."
The physicist says, "Me neither!"
A poet, a priest, and a mathematician are discussing whether it's better to have a wife or a mistress.
The poet argues that it's better to have a mistress because love should be free and spontaneous.
The priest argues that it's better to have a wife because love should be sanctified by God.
The mathematician says, "I think it's better to have both. That way, when each of them thinks you're with the other, you can do some mathematics."
Three mathematicians walk into a bar.
Bartender asks:”Will all of you guys have beer?”
The first mathematician: “I don’t know”.
The second mathematician: “I don’t know”.
The third one: ”Yes”.
A mathematician is attending a conference in another country and is sleeping at a hotel. Suddenly, there is a fire alarm and he rushes out in panic. He also notices some smoke coming from one end of the corridor. As he is running, he spots a fire extinguisher. “Ah!”, he exclaims, “A solution exists!” and comes back to his room and sleeps peacefully.
Two statisticians go to hunt a bear. After roaming the woods for a while, they spot a lone grizzly. The first statistician takes aim and shoots, but it hits three feet in front of the bear. The second one shoots next, and it hits three feet behind the bear. They both agree that they have shot the bear and go to retrieve it..
Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
I just saw my math teacher with a piece of graph paper. I think he must be plotting something.
Are monsters good at math? No, unless you Count Dracula.
My girlfriend is the square root of -100. She's a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
Q: Why is a math book depressed? A: Because it has so many problems.
How do you stay warm in an empty room? Go into the corner where it is always 90 degrees.
There are three kinds of people in the world: those who can count and those who can't.
Q: Why did I divide sin by tan? A: Just cos.
Q: Where's the only place you can buy 64 watermelons and nobody wonders why? A: In an elementary school math class.
60 out of 50 people have trouble with fractions.
But why did 7 eat 9? Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.
Q: Why is the obtuse triangle depressed? A: Because it is never right.
Q: Why did the 30-60-90 degree triangle marry the 45-45-90 degree triangle? A: Because they were right for each other.
Q: Why didn't the Romans find algebra very challenging? A: Because they always knew X was 10.
Two statisticians went out hunting and they found a deer. The first one overshoots by 5 meters. The second one undershoots by 5 meters. They both hug each other and shout out “We Got It!”
An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician are on a train traveling from England to Scotland. It is the first time for each of them.
Some time after the train crosses the border, the three of them notice a sheep in a field.
“Amazing!” says the astronomer. “All the sheep in Scotland are black!”.
“No, no” responds the physicist. “Some sheep in Scotland are black!”
The mathematician closes his eyes pityingly, and intones: “In Scotland, there is at least one field, containing at least one sheep, at least one side of which is black.”
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician go to a hotel.
The boiler malfunctions in the middle of the night and the radiators in each room set the curtains on fire.
The engineer sees the fire, sees there is a bucket in the bathroom, fills the bucket with water and throws it over the fire.
The physicist sees the fire, sees the bucket, fills the bucket to the top of his mentally calculated error margin and throws it over the fire.
The mathematician sees the fire, sees the bucket, see the solution and goes back to sleep.